The OFFICIAL Uk Joke Thread

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

 

Two winos are staggering down an alleyway, late at night, very drunk on cheap wine. Happy, arm in arm and singing, they suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Directly ahead of them is a fleabitten, old mongrel, male dog - cleaning himself. One wino staring with bloodshot, unfocused eyes and on unsteady legs at the dog, then his crotch and then back at the dog.

He says, "Wow..would I ever like to be able to do THAT!"

His friend looks at him, then the dog and then takes his drunken friend aside,

"You'd better pet him first....he looks vicious"

 

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise. Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells, "Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

 

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.

Child: mummy, where do babies come from?

Mother: Well dear...a mummy and daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and
have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts
his penis in the mummy's ******. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when a you do that?

Mother: Jewelry, dear.

 

Nice ^^^^^^^^^^^



A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy...
I said she was fuc*ing Goofy!

 

A man goes into a toy shop to buy his little girl a barbie doll. He ask's the sales assistant how much barbie dolls are.

The sales assistant says, "Barbie goes to the Ball - £14.99, barbie goes to the Beach - £14.99, barbie goes to a Sleep over - £14.99 and Barbie gets Divorced - £214.99."

The man says to the sales assistant, "Why is Barbie gets Divorced more than the rest?"

The sales assistant then says, "Because she comes with Kens house, Kens car, Kens boat and half his money"

 

lmfao!

 

Thats so true

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"

 

(rural area) Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a roiling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.

Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"

 

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, "you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says. "Now, take theclub out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.

 

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh..well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

 

There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake.

A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fy dropped 6 inches I'd get it!"

A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A hunter thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear!"

A mouse thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I'll steal the cheese off his sandwich!"

A cat thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse!"

Suddenly it all happened,
The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear get the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water!!!!!

The Moral Of This Story Is ...

Every time time a fly drops 6 inches, a pus*y gets wet

 

There is this girl with no arm and no legs sitting on the beach. A guy walked by and she started crying. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been kissed before so the guy kisses her. She starts crying again. The guy asked why are you crying she said I have never been screwed before. So the guy picked her up and threw her in the water and said now your screwed.

 

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor. "Young lady," said the doctor, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practise sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is cockeyed."

 

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

 

There was a rich guy who had to go on a business trip, so he brought his wife and his three butlers. While at the hotel, he got a call to go to a meeting. Before he went, he stuck a razor up his wifes pu*sy so he can tell if the butlers tried to sleep with her. When he got back, he told the first butler to pull down his pants. The butler's penis fell off. The same thing happened with the second butler. Then he told the third butler to pull down his pants, but his penis did not fall off. The rich man was shocked, so he asked the butler how he resisted the temptation. The butler tried to answer, but for some reason his tounge was slashed and bloody.

 

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong if something bad should happen between you. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it".

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history…………

 

It's about 2 o'clock ,and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock.. well there's a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if he would like to go home with her.. the panda bear looks her over and says sure.. so they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, the woman then explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it up in WEBSTER's ... they look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.

 

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she needs someone to talk to. She lives in a convent and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees but the nun explains she can't have sex with a married man because it would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he's not married.. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she has to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again and being the only two people on the bus they go in the back and take care of business. When they were done and he had resumed driving the bus driver said, Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married and have three kid's." The nun replied, "That's O.K. I have a confession too. My name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party.

 

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, "My God - They eat dogs in America?"

"I can't believe it!" says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."

They approach the vendor bravely. "Two hot dogs, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks. The two immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack, hesitates and turns to his partner and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."

 

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."

"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to spell Mississippi."

 

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

 

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????
A. A cherry float.

Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.

Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.

Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q. Why is Popeye's johnson so soft and smooth?
A. He keeps it in Olive Oyl.

Q. What's the difference between Simba and OJ Simpson?
A. One is an African lion and the other is a lion African!

Q. What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?
A. Tiger Woods had a better driver!

Q: Why can't you smoke weed in Iraq?
A: Because there is no piece in the middle east!

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence

Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.

Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the seeing dog.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A. A dictator

Q. What do you get when you cross a pickle and a deer?
A. A dildo