Steve (fan512bbi) is the jokemaster, hopefully he will fill this with pages and pages :)
There is already a link of his jokes in the backroom lounge / jokes thread. There must be 1000 jokes in there by now!
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is, and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor stands up, goes around his desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately, rips off her clothes and makes mad passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits quietly in a very satisfied daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf."
Samuel and Aaron are at the rabbi's place. Samuel: Please, rabbi, Black is a real colour, isn't it? Rabbi: For sure, it is! Samuel: And, rabbi, White is also a real colour, isn't it? Rabbi: For sure, it is! Samuel turning to Aaron: You see, Aaron, the television I sold you last week , it's a Colour-television!
Q. How do you know when you've passed a Reliant Robin? A. Your eyes water and you can't get the lid down on the toilet!
Tiger Woods is driving his new Buick Rendevouz into a petrol station in the middle of the US countryside.....A stupid hillbilly petrol boy starts pumping his gas. Afterwards, Tiger gets out of the car to pay little wanker, when he gets out of the car, some golf tees fall from his pocket. The boy asks, "Hey buddy, what arrrr dem' wood stick thingees that fell otta yer pocket?" Tiger responds, "I rest my balls on those when I start to drive", The boy is shocked "Wow, dem Buicks are so fancy these days". FHM...
Two women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a wee, one wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath. The two husbands were in the pub the next day and first man says "I better watch my wife she came home last night with no knickers" the other man says" Thats F**k all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying we'll never forget you from all the boys at the Firestation.
The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air. "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million quid" replied the Pope. "TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper ."They must have seen you coming."
GOOD HUSBAND Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $ 1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: " $ 65,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $ 950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $ 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up, other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. He then smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But.." said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much so that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well..." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh..! that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house." The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not myself personally, no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."
A chap comes home from work one evening to hear panting and moaning coming from his bedroom. Furious that his wife is having an affair he bursts in to see her laying there with a Beano & a Dandy rolled up and she was thrusting them inside her. The man shouts furiously 'Isn't a vibrator good enough you sick cow'. She yells back shut up you tw@t its Comic Relief Night
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are travelling when their car breaks down. A farmer gives them a lift to his place, where they have a midnight snack of crunchy toffee popcorn prepared by the farmer's absolutely stunning daughter. The farmer invites them to stay the night, albeit, with a warning to not get any ideas about his daughter, who's gone upstairs to her bedroom. Just to be on the safe side, as our heros doze, the farmer comes back down and sprinkles quite a bit of the popcorn at the foot of the staircase. Unable to get her out of his mind, the Englishman wakes up, sees the popcorn and takes a pish all over it... softening the steps he takes on the Stairway to Heaven. He wakes the Welshman - "You've got to have a go at her! The best ever!" The Welshman rinses the popcorn and has sloppy seconds. But, no complaints. He wakes the Irishman - "You've got to try it! It's the best!" A while later, he wakes the Welshman - "You were right, that popcorn was even better with the melted butter!"
Driving to the office this morning on the M1 motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to the mirror putting on her eyeliner!!!! Shocked, I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was still putting on the makeup but drifting halfway into my lane!! It scared me so much (and this coming from a bloke....) that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL. F***ing Women Drivers!!!!!!!
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"
15 soliders arrested for straying into Iranian water - 14 men and one woman. Doesnt take a genius to work out who was doing the map reading.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.** On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.** On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.** When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.** She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.** Then slowly, the house began to smell.** They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.** Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.*** Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.** People stopped coming over to visit.** Repairmen refused to work in the house.** The maid quit.*** Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.** A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.** Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.** Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.** The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.** He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.*** I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?*****
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fu*k your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Red V12 Ferrari." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fu*k me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"