The OFFICIAL Uk Joke Thread

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

 

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants. She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.”

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…” She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello? … Mom?”

 

An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"

 

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black
hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
pit-bull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in
single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog.

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking
in single file. Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue.'

 

A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"

 

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

 

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.

"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"

He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"Take your thumb off the end!!"

 

Why do scotsmen have blue willies?

Because they are tight fisted wankers.

 

Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
A: Hanson.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q: What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A: The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.

Q: How does a woman know that she is overweight?
A: She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back into the sea.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner??
A: Why the hell should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.

"He's dead," she replies.

"Dead?" the doctor asked.

"Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

 

Liza was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her lover. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out her lover's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken anyway.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Liza was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee!

 

read this sumwhere and thought it was appropriate!

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it Costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red Light.



An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to Him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind Of car ya got there, Sonny?"


The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"


"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor Proudly.


The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"


"No problem," replies the doctor.


So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, Sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, All right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"


Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man Just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the Speedometer reads 150 mph.



Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be Getting closer!

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly:

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks Himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and Passes the Moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old Man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes The Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees The Moped bearing down on him again!


The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!


Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the Rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is there Anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

 

"See the problem is that God had given men a brain and a penis, but only sufficient blood to use one at a time" - Robin Williams

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! "
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in............

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.
"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.''

 

One day, at a bus stop katie a young girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed katie was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

 

Little Johnny is walking down the bedroom hallway and hear some noise coming from his parents room and decides to check it out. He opens the door and see's his Mother mounted by his Father and he is plowing his mothers *ss. His Father looks a Little Johnny and gives him a smile and a thumbs up and waves him out of the room.

About an hour later Johnny's Father exits his bedroom and heads down the hallway. When he comes upon Little Johnny's bedroom he hears noise and decides to check it out. He opens the door and there stands Little Johnny's Grandmother bent over the edge of the bed and Little Johnny behind her just plowing her in the *ss. Little Johnny's Father screams "what in the hell do you think you are doing!!!".

Right then Little Johnny turns around and says.."Oh...so its not so funny when its your Mother now is it..!!!!"

 

its an oldy but a great one all the same!

 

The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room.
"I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her."
The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side.
The next morning he asked for his bill.
"It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said.
"Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said.
"Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."

 

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a pee, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a kraup instead."

 

A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach.
On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.
The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.
The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon.
Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?" The wife again refuses.
This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse.
However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?"
The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?" she asks, hesitantly.
"I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."

 

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/queretarock722

 

I was pulled over last night by a copper who'd followed me for a couple of miles and breathalysed. Bearing in mind I could barely stand it was no surprise to find I was massively over the limit. This was particularly disgraceful as I had the missus and kiddy with me in the car.

I was arrested and read my rights. It was all a very salutary experience, especially when the copper got shirty because I found the whole business side-splittingly funny.

His mate, whilst the arrest took place went and had a good look round the car, came back and started whispering to the other copper. They are whispering frantically at each other and neither of them look very pleased.

Copper turns to me and starts accusing me of wasting police time, he calls me a tw*t. I point out he's just sworn at a member of the public, in front of an 18 month old child and that I'll report him for conduct unbecoming.

Plod get back in their car and drive off, with the copper who'd had a look round my car laughing his head off.

And the moral of the story for the police is....

Always check whether a car is left or right hand drive before breathalysing the guy in the passenger seat.