A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you shoot?
The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. "I could let you sleep with my daughter," the farmer said, "if you promise not to bother her." The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill. "It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed," the farmer said. "Your daughter was very cold," the salesman said. "Yes, I know," said the farmer. "We're going to bury her today."
There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you." "OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?" "No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a sh*t instead."
A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon. The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses. The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?" The wife again refuses. This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?" The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pus*y?" she asks, hesitantly. "I don't rightly know, replies the woman, "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon."
A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I am exactly 47, "the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you." While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weights each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't." she says. He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?" The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to make love to you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you make love to me." The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly a*s." The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "make love to me then!" The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, makes love to her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water. The friend replies, "Bugger the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside. The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?" The guy says, "Yea, he licks pus*y." So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all. The blond says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies" "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?" "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket. The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?" "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey. "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?" With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy. "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?" "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
gf sent these to me 3.Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One ... men will screw anything. 4= 7.Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A: E.T. phoned home.
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR... A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking. How's it going?" Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up buddy, I'll save us both a lot of maneuvering and posturing and lying. I will SCREW anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in your car or mine, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean -- (pause to take a breath) -- it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love what I do." Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are YOU with?"
Nice ones Jon "Would you like some breakfast?" the woman asked."Bacon and eggs, toast, coffee?" "No thanks. It's this Viagra," her husband explained. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time she asked if he would like a bowl of homemade soup and a cheese sandwich. "No, thanks. it's this Viagra," he said," It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time she asked again if he wanted something to eat."I'll go out to get you a burger , or would you prefer a microwaved pizza?" "No, nothing thanks. It's this Viagra, you know." "Well, damn it would you mind getting off of me already?" she exploded. "I'm starving."
After careful scrutiny, the blonde student was given credit for the answer, but the Board of Education has warned Math teachers to be more explicit in the future. Image Unavailable, Please Login
This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps: 1. Unbutton pants 2. Pull pants down 3. Pull foreskin back 4. Pee 5. Push foreskin forward 6. Pull pants up and button up She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good. Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little fuc*er on your knee!"
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand. The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?" The man replies, "Yes a few in the USA." The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off." The man answers, "Yes!" The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
