Joke. | Page 133 | FerrariChat

Joke.

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by Fan512bbi, Jan 15, 2005.

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  1. Fan512bbi

    Fan512bbi Two Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Mar 25, 2004
    20,938
    Wales-UK
    Full Name:
    Steve.
    :D
     
  2. SCKOMS

    SCKOMS F1 Rookie
    Silver Subscribed

    Oct 21, 2011
    3,843
    Lake County, IL
    Full Name:
    Spiro
    A woman has 3 sons in law. While they are all respectful and pleasant she isn't convinced that they truly love her and decides to test them.

    One Saturday, she invites the first son in law to go for a walk in the woods. As they are walking by the river, she pretends to fall in and starts to scream for help. The son in law dutifully jumps in and drags her to shore. The next morning he looks outside and sees a brand new Mercedes with a big ribbon on it sitting in his driveway. He walks over and reads the card: "Thank you for saving me...your loving mother in law".

    The next Saturday, she invites the second son in law to go for a walk. As they are walking by the river, again she pretends to fall in and starts to scream for help. The son in law dutifully jumps in and drags her to shore. The next morning he looks outside and sees a brand new BMW with a big ribbon on it sitting in his driveway. He walks over and reads the card: "Thank you for saving me...your loving mother in law".

    Finally, she invites the third son in law to go for a walk. As they are walking by the river, again she pretends to fall in and starts to scream for help. The third son in law walks away and lets her drown. The next morning he looks outside and sees a brand new Ferrari with a big ribbon on it sitting in his driveway. He walks over and reads the card: "Thank you for saving me...your loving FATHER in law.
     
  3. SCKOMS

    SCKOMS F1 Rookie
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    Oct 21, 2011
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    Two men happen to lose track of their wives at the super mega mall. As they are searching for their mates, they bump into each other and decide to help each other. The first guy asks "what does your wife loook like" to which the second guy replies "well, she's 5'11" blonde, face like an angel, 36 Ds, long legs and an ass as tight as a drum. What does your wife look like?" To which first guy says "forget my wife.....let's go find yours!!!"
     
  4. SCKOMS

    SCKOMS F1 Rookie
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    Oct 21, 2011
    3,843
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    Spiro
    Two friends, a blonde and a brunette go to Vegas together. They're playing the slots, and not doing so well. The blonde decides to take a break and go get a Coke. After half an hour the brunette realized her friend had not returned and went looking for her. She found her in the lobby by the Coke machine, endlessly pumping quarters into the machine and gathering cans of Coke. She had cans stacked all around her. The brunette flips out, runs up to her and asks "what the hell are you doing?" to,which the blonde replies......"duh!! I'm wiiiinning!!"
     
  5. SCKOMS

    SCKOMS F1 Rookie
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    Oct 21, 2011
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    Joe goes to his girlfriend's house with the intention of asking her father for her hand. He knocks on the door and the door is opened by a stunning blonde woman who is completely naked. Joe is taken aback and cautiously asks if Jane is home. The blonde says, no Jane isn't here and neither is anyone else...I'm her cousin, Janet. Janet then proceeds to proposition Joe, trying to seduce him and persuade him to come inside and go upstairs with her. Joe dashes back to his car, where his girlfriend, and her parents are waiting.
    The father admits that this was a set up and that they were testing Joe's devotion and fidelity and that he would be proud to have him as a son in law.
    Now....what is the moral of the story???
    \
    \
    \
    \
    \
    \
    \
    \
    \
    KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT, NOT IN YOUR WALLET!!!
     
  6. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
    Alberta
    · I’d just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
    A poor homeless man sat there and said, 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

    · A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.'
    I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'

    · Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
    I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

    · I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
    When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?'
    I said, 'Nope, you’re still black'

    · A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man
    passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this
    morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’
    Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting
    on my mind at the moment.'

    · Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
    since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
    works best!

    · Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic
    shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
    with her mouth closed.

    · I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at
    an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself...'I’m going to take that.'

    · Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a
    farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer
    looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that basket.’

    · I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question
    which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the
    curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they
    wanted the name of a country?
     
  7. White Knight

    White Knight Formula 3

    Aug 22, 2011
    1,531
    Ogden, UT
    Full Name:
    Todd S.
    Ok, here's a few...


    Understanding Engineers - Take One
    Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

    The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

    "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."


    Understanding Engineers - Take Two
    To the optimist, the glass is half full.
    To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
    To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


    Understanding Engineers - Take Three
    A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

    The doctor chimed in, I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

    The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

    The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment.

    The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."

    The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

    The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


    Understanding Engineers - Take Four
    What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
    Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.


    Understanding Engineers - Take Five
    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


    Understanding Engineers - Take Six
    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
    the possible designers of the human body.
    The first one said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
    Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.
    The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


    Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
    Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


    Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
    An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

    The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

    The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

    The engineer said, "I like both."

    Both?

    "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman and you can go to the garage and get some work done."
     
  8. White Knight

    White Knight Formula 3

    Aug 22, 2011
    1,531
    Ogden, UT
    Full Name:
    Todd S.
    And a few more...

    You might be a redneck cross-dresser if…

    - You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra that ain't.
    - You wear combat boots with a mini-dress.
    - You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger than your fist.

    - You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame, and a Confederate flag on the tailgate…righ next to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon Skin-So-Soft."
    - You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
    - You braid the hair that sticks through your fishnet stockings.

    - You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with pearls.
    - You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
    - You wear tube tops with your mini-skirt, because it shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.

    - Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
    - You keep spare ammo in your bra.
    - You get a run in your stockings while changing a tire on your motor home.

    - Your purse is a toolbox.
    - You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle nosed pliers.
    - You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.

    - You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
    - You call your vanity "your work bench."
    - You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and eye liners.

    - The phrase "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
    - Your favorite leather skirt was made from the black bear you shot last fall.
    - Your new sandals are made from truck tire re-treads you found on the road.

    - You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
    - You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
    - Your best silver necklace is made from beer can pull-tabs.

    - Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
    -. You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
    - Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W-30" on the container.
    - You remove your leg hair with duct tape.


    The Good, the Bad...the Worse

    Good: Your husband's exercising and dieting.
    Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
    Worse: He knows how to coordinate better.

    Good: Your husband understands fashion.
    Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
    Worse: He looks better than you.



    Great little one-liners

    Q. Define Transvestite?
    A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!!

    Q. Why did the cross-dresser cross the road?
    A. To see how the other side felt.

    Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the Spice Girls for their next tour?
    A. They're going to call her "Old Spice"


    Q: What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
    A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage…along with a recipe.

    Q. What has 50 sets of balls and screws old women?
    A. The local bingo game

    Q. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
    A. Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.


    Q: What do you call an afghan virgin
    A: Never bin laid on

    Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide?
    A: He got the gas bill.

    Q: Why can't Jesus play hockey?
    A: He keeps getting nailed to the boards.


    Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
    A: Because they have cotton balls.

    Q. Did you hear about the new LSD birth control pill??
    A. Yeah, it's like a trip without the kids!!

    Q: Why do black people not like to go on cruises?
    A: They already fell for that trick once.


    From the late night circuit...

    You know, considering the situation we're in now with politics, perhaps it's time we STOPPED telling kids that anyone can grow up to become President of the United States.

    A senior al-Qaeda leader was arrested in Afghanistan yesterday, and he was found dressed in disguise as a woman. Apparently the U.S. military became suspicious after he was seen attempting to stone himself.

    Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks.

    The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.

    This whole thing about Shakespeare puffing a little reefer has gotten out of hand. Did he, didn’t he? Well, an easy way to find out is exhume him. If they dig up Shakespeare and he’s buried in a tie-dye shirt with a pint of Chunky Monkey, we’ll know it’s true.


    Short stories…


    After a long night of making love, a guy wakes up and rolls over. Looking around, he notices a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.
    "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
    "No, silly." she replies, snuggling up to him.
    "Your boyfriend then?" he asks.
    "No, not at all," she whispers, nibbling away at his ear.
    "Is it your dad or your brother?" he asks, hoping to be reassured.
    "No, no, no!!!" she says.
    "Well who is he then?" demands the bewildered guy.
    Calmly the girl replies, "That's me before the surgery."

    Two guys driving down the road and there car breaks-down. So they hoof their way to a fruit farmer’s plot of land and say to him "Fruit farmer do you have a place for us to stay tonight? Our car’s busted."
    The fruit farmer looks ‘em over and replies "Sure…you can stay upstairs with my daughter. But NO sleeping with her"
    Unfortunately his daughter was a knock out so the two guys screwed the hell out of her all night.
    The next day the fruit farmer says during breakfast, “Since you disobeyed me, there’s going to be punishment. I want each of you to go out into my fields and pick a hundred pieces of your favorite fruit.
    Relieved, the two guys say to each other “Well damn, that’s not too bad. I thought he would be pissed!” and head out into the fields.
    The first guy comes back with a hundred cherries, but to his surprise he finds himself staring at a double-barrelled shotgun at the door.
    Sharply, the fruit farmer says "Now shove them all up you ass."
    The guy gets to 25 and he starts giggling, and when he got to 50 he starts falling down laughing. Finally gets to a hundred and he is laughing so hard he pees a small stream down the inside of his trousers and onto the porch.
    Not amused at all by this, the fruit farmer yells "What the hell so God-damn funny?"
    The guy looks up at him and replies, "I'm just laughing because my buddy out there still in your fields is picking watermelons"
     
  9. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
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    MC Cool Breeze
    LMAO!
     
  10. texasmr2

    texasmr2 Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Oct 22, 2007
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    Gregg
    The second one had me rolling because its so true from a male perspective.
     
  11. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
    Alberta
    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
    The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
    The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
    The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
    When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
    WHACK!
    He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
    His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
    "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
     
  12. UroTrash

    UroTrash Three Time F1 World Champ
    Consultant Owner

    Jan 20, 2004
    38,863
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    Clifford Gunboat

    Excellent!
     
  13. texasmr2

    texasmr2 Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Oct 22, 2007
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    Very short and sweet but I heard this one the other day, old I'm sure.

    "We were so poor our dad used to drive us too KFC so we could lick the fingers of the customers!"

    "Hello is this thing on?"
     
  14. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2005
    23,319
    KL, Malaysia
    Full Name:
    MC Cool Breeze
    Fantastic!
     
  15. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
    Alberta
    SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....



    Thought you would like this!!!







    If you are over 45 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test



    How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the Blanks

    Blanks?




    1. _ _NDOM


    2. F_ _K


    3. P_N_S


    4. PU_S_


    5. S_X


    6. BOO_S










    | | | | | | | | | |
    Answers:

    1. RANDOM

    2. FORK

    3. PANTS

    4. PULSE

    5. SIX

    6. BOOKS

    You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?


    You do NOT have Alzheimer's


    You are a Pervert
     
  16. texasmr2

    texasmr2 Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Oct 22, 2007
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    Gregg
    LMAO and thank God I don't have any signs of Alzheimer's !!
     
  17. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
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    As children grow, they begin to identify flavors by their color:

    Red.....................Cherry
    Yellow................Lemon
    Green.................Lime
    Orange ..............Orange

    Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
    None of the children could identify the taste.

    The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother may sometimes call your father."

    One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

    The teacher had to leave the room.
     
  18. Zack

    Zack Formula 3

    Dec 18, 2003
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    Nicosia, Cyprus/Cali
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    Zacharias
    Lol!!!!!!
     
  19. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
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    An old Grandpa was walking down the street while 3 grandmas were sitting on a bench.

    And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying,

    "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

    The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

    One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

    Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

    The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

    Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "how in the world did you guess?"

    Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

    "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
     
  20. JakeTrading

    JakeTrading Formula Junior

    Nov 7, 2001
    667
    #3320 JakeTrading, Mar 22, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2012
    For 25 years Sol and Beth, both Jewish and in their mid 80's, walked up and down Collins Avenue in Miami Beach, Florida. After their stroll, they sat on the front porch of the apartment building where they resided. There, with Beth's hand resting on Sol's thigh, they spoke of days past.

    One day, Sol was nowhere to be found. Beth looked up and down Collins Ave frantically worried. Then out of the corner of her eye, she sees Sol sitting next to a woman named Eleanor, her hand on Sol's thigh.

    Beth storms over and says "Sol, everyday for the past 25 years we have strolled up and down Collins Avenue, we sat together speaking of days past with my hand on your thigh. Now all of a sudden, you're doing the same with this, this tramp! Tell me Sol, what does she have that I don't"?

    Sol replied, "Parkinsons"!
     
  21. Need4Spd

    Need4Spd F1 Veteran

    Feb 24, 2007
    6,645
    Silicon Valley
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qhm7-LEBznk[/ame]
     
  22. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
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    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
    Alberta
    My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

    You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
     
  23. texasmr2

    texasmr2 Two Time F1 World Champ
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    Oct 22, 2007
    22,232
    Houston
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    Gregg
    Oh crap thats funny and dangerous.
     
  24. Zack

    Zack Formula 3

    Dec 18, 2003
    2,001
    Nicosia, Cyprus/Cali
    Full Name:
    Zacharias
    LMFAO!!!
     
  25. TheDuke

    TheDuke Formula 3
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    Jul 22, 2011
    2,196
    Texas
    :D
    When's the funeral? I'd like to pay my respects to him :)

    Nice bump
     

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