Chuck Norris facts. They were emailed to me and no I didn't search first. | FerrariChat
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Chuck Norris facts. They were emailed to me and no I didn't search first.

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by 62 250 GTO, Jan 24, 2007.

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  1. 62 250 GTO

    62 250 GTO F1 Veteran

    Jan 9, 2004
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    #1 62 250 GTO, Jan 24, 2007
    ~THE GREATEST CHUCK NORRIS FACTS OF ALL TIME~

    1*Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

    2*Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

    3*Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

    4*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall so he taught it karate.

    5*Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

    6*Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

    7*Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

    8*Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

    9*Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

    10*Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

    11*Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

    12*There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

    13*According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God

    14*When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

    15*The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

    16*Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

    17*Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

    18*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

    19*Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

    20*Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

    21*When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

    22*Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

    23*In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    24*Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

    25*Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

    26*When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    27*When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

    28*There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

    29*When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

    30*Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

    31*Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

    32*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    33*Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

    34*Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

    35*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    36*Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares

    37*Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

    38*Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

    39*Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

    40*Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

    41*Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

    42*Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

    43*Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

    44*There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

    45*A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    46*Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

    47*Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

    48*There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

    49*When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

    50*Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

    51*Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

    52*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    53*When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris'd.

    54*Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

    55*Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

    56*Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

    57*Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

    58*MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

    59*Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

    60*Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

    61*Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

    62*Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

    63*Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

    64*The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

    65*Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down

    66*Chuck Norris doesn't shave his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel.

    67*A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. This is why they no longer exist.

    68*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad

    69*Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

    70*Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
     
  2. S0ul_R3Venant

    S0ul_R3Venant Karting

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    #2 S0ul_R3Venant, Jan 24, 2007
    An oldie, but still great to read.
     
  3. Evan.Fiorentino

    Evan.Fiorentino F1 Rookie

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    #3 Evan.Fiorentino, Jan 24, 2007
    HAHAH i haven't heard a lot of them.
     
  4. rollsorferrari?

    rollsorferrari? F1 Veteran

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    #4 rollsorferrari?, Jan 24, 2007
    does anyone know where/how these chuck norris facts got started?
     
  5. RoWis

    RoWis F1 Rookie

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    #5 RoWis, Jan 24, 2007
    lol those are hilarious
     
  6. sailor2

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    #6 sailor2, Jan 24, 2007
    Probably Chuck Norris. They found their way onto the web just before his book hit the shelves....
     
  7. redhead

    redhead F1 Rookie

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    #7 redhead, Jan 24, 2007
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  8. WJHMH

    WJHMH Two Time F1 World Champ
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    #8 WJHMH, Jan 24, 2007
    LOL! I like that!
     
  9. wax

    wax Five Time F1 World Champ
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    #9 wax, Jan 24, 2007
    2 things: Conan O'Brien's "Walker:Texas Ranger Lever" and the Vin Diesel Fact Generator.
     
  10. redhead

    redhead F1 Rookie

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    #10 redhead, Jan 24, 2007
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  11. BAM

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    #11 BAM, Jan 24, 2007
    ^^ will someone tell pap to put his money away and step out of line.
     
  12. Dino Martini

    Dino Martini F1 Rookie

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    #12 Dino Martini, Jan 24, 2007
    I believe what happened was some kid just started making these up. Chuck Norris actually read a few of them on The Best Damn Sports Show Period and then it really caught on.
     
  13. Cicada

    Cicada Formula 3

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    #13 Cicada, Jan 25, 2007
    #70 made me LOL.
     
  14. ski_bum

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    #14 ski_bum, Jan 25, 2007
    but who won, Chuck or Mr T? Clubber Lang would flatten Chuck, without ruffling his mohawk.
     
  15. ashsimmonds

    ashsimmonds F1 World Champ

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    #15 ashsimmonds, Jan 25, 2007
    about half of those i'd never heard before... the one's i had i laughed at anyway in case Chuck Norris was watching.
     
  16. jungathart

    jungathart Guest

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    #16 jungathart, Jan 25, 2007
    Chuck Norris is ALWAYS watching.
     
  17. Parikh1234

    Parikh1234 F1 Rookie
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    #17 Parikh1234, Jan 25, 2007
    always great to re-read chuck norris facts. The other day I was at FYE and was looking through the bargain bin. I found The Octagon starring Chuck Norris for only $8.88!
     
  18. jonesn

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    #18 jonesn, Jan 26, 2007
    Chuck Norris shaves by roundhouse-kicking himself in the face.
     
  19. Remy Zero

    Remy Zero Two Time F1 World Champ

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    #19 Remy Zero, Jan 26, 2007
    some good stuff!
     
  20. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    #20 PAP 348, Jan 26, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  21. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    #21 PAP 348, Jan 26, 2007
    71*Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

    72*Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is

    :D
     
  22. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    #22 PAP 348, Jan 26, 2007
    73*When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.

    74*Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

    75*Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.

    76*Chuck Norris invented the apple.

    77*Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.

    78*Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.

    79*Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.

    80*Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.

    81*Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.

    82*If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!

    83*Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

    84*Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

    85*Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

    86*Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.

    87*P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.

    88*Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.

    89*Chuck Norris' paradise is war.

    90*Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.

    91*Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.

    92*Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

    93*Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.

    94*Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

    95*Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

    96*Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography....it was just a list of everyone he has killed.

    97*Einstein's original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.

    98*Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.

    99*As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.

    100*Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.

    101*Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.

    102*Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.

    103*The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.

    104*Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.

    105*Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.

    106*The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.

    107*Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

    108*Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

    109*Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.

    110*On the Asian market, Chuck Norris' urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.

    111*See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.

    112*Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck's legendary cannon balls.

    113*Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.

    114*Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.

    115*If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.

    116*Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

    117*You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.

    118*Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident....and still managed to walk it off.

    119*Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.

    120*Chuck norris invented the corndog.

    121*The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris' agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.

    122*Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

    123*Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

    124*Chuck Norris belives the hype.

    125*Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.

    126*When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

    127*When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

    128*Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.

    129*Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.

    130*Chuck Norris wasn't born with feet, just boots.

    131*Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

    132*When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

    133*Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.

    134*Chuck Norris can dribble a football.

    135*Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight

    136*Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.

    137*Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.

    138*Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

    139*Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.

    140*Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn

    :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
     
  23. Dane

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    #23 Dane, Jan 26, 2007
    When Chuck Norris jumps in the ocean, he doesn't get wet. The ocean gets Chuck Norrissed.
     
  24. Dane

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    #24 Dane, Jan 26, 2007
    Just thought of this one:

    When Chuck Norris wipes his arse, he uses 40 grit sandpaper.
     
  25. jimangle

    jimangle F1 Rookie

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    #25 jimangle, Jan 26, 2007
    Here's a Chuck Norris fact.
    It's a FACT that his wig was falling off during his Total Gym Infomercial.

    Chuck has more hair now then he did in the early 80's.
     
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