Canadian Funny thread ! | Page 3 | FerrariChat

Canadian Funny thread !

Discussion in 'Canada' started by MS250, Jul 5, 2011.

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  1. gerritv

    gerritv Formula 3

    Jun 18, 2001
    1,400
    St Catharines
    Full Name:
    Gerrit
    #51 gerritv, Oct 27, 2011
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2011
  2. Fave

    Fave F1 Rookie

    Aug 12, 2010
    4,157
    Tarana
    Full Name:
    L. Ike Hunt
  3. MS250

    MS250 Two Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 10, 2003
    26,123
    Full Name:
    Avvocato
  4. wrs46

    wrs46 Formula 3

    May 19, 2005
    1,395
    QC, CANADA (&CH, &F)
    Full Name:
    Walter
    Canadian Laws

    - 35% of a radio stations content must be "Canadian Content".
    - You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.
    - Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.
    - It is illegal for clear or non-dark sodas to contain caffeine. (Repealed)
    - No one in Canada may watch or listen to an encrypted broadcast which is not licensed by the Canadian government. This means using US satellite systems such as "DirecTV" is illegal.
    - It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
    - It is illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft.
    - Comic books which depict any illegal acts are banned.

    Quebec Laws

    - It is illegal to turn right on a red light at any time. (Repealed 2003 - However, the law remains in effect in the city of Montreal)
    - Margarine producers can't make their margarine yellow.
    - All business signs in the province of Quebec must be in French. If the business operator wishes to have other languages on the sign, the French must be larger than the other languages is. (Bill 86)
    - It is considered an offense to have more than two materials on the outside of one's house.
    - You may not own a log cabin.
    - The Queen Elizabeth Hotel must feed your horse freely when you rent a room. (no longer applicable)
    - You may not wash your car in the street.
    - You may not park a car in such a way that it is blocking your own driveway.
    - "For Sale" signs are not permitted in the windows of moving vehicles.
    - Cars parked in public places must be locked, and their windows must be down to less than the width of a hand.
    - One's rear license plate may not be protected by glass or plastic.
    - Citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.
    - Not only do all exterior painting jobs require a permit (for color) but, for instance, the City went to Appeals Court over the exact type of division inside a window frame.

    Ontario Laws

    - If you have a water trough in your front yard it must be filled by 5:00 a.m. (Cobourg) (no longer applicable)
    - Bylaw states that no more than 3.5 inches of water is allowed in a bathtub. (Etobicoke)
    - The city is classified as a no-pee zone. (Guelph)
    - The color of house and garage doors is regulated by city bylaws (a purple door gets you a fine). (Kanata)
    - It is illegal to have a clothes line in your backyard. (Kanata)
    - You can't work on your car in the street. (Kanata)
    - It's illegal to climb trees. (Oshawa)
    - Homeowners are responsible for clearing snow off of municipal sidewalks. If sidewalks is not cleaned within 24 hours after a snowfall, city workers will clean it and the cost will be placed on the homeowners tax bill. (Oshawa and Gananoque)
    - It is illegal to eat ice-cream on Bank Street on a Sunday. (Ottawa)
    - You can't drag a dead horse down Yonge Street on a Sunday. (Toronto) (no longer applicable)
    - Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k. (Uxbridge)
    - You may not paint a ladder as it will be slippery when wet. (Wawa)
    - It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday. (Wawa)

    Nova Scotia Laws

    - When raining, a person may not water his/her lawn.
     
  5. wrs46

    wrs46 Formula 3

    May 19, 2005
    1,395
    QC, CANADA (&CH, &F)
    Full Name:
    Walter
    Since there is some US bashing going on in another thread (re: Customs Officers), here is some more:



    "10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash.
    Now they have no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash"



    Happy New Year to everyone, including all US citizens (except Border Guards, of course...:)
     
  6. wrs46

    wrs46 Formula 3

    May 19, 2005
    1,395
    QC, CANADA (&CH, &F)
    Full Name:
    Walter
    And while I'm at it:

    New Healthcare System in the USA:

    Just go to an airport. You’ll get a free x-ray and breast exam; and if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll also get a free colonoscopy.
     
  7. Fave

    Fave F1 Rookie

    Aug 12, 2010
    4,157
    Tarana
    Full Name:
    L. Ike Hunt
    A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and says to the clerk, excuse me sir do you have any flip flips ?
     
  8. Fave

    Fave F1 Rookie

    Aug 12, 2010
    4,157
    Tarana
    Full Name:
    L. Ike Hunt
    What do Italian Scientists call an astronaut?

    A specimen !
     
  9. ClassicFerrari

    ClassicFerrari F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jan 7, 2004
    16,798
    Toronto
    Full Name:
    Vasco
    :D
     
  10. jefffromcanada

    jefffromcanada Formula 3
    Silver Subscribed

    Nov 2, 2006
    1,154
    Alberta
    Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome Sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous;
    It was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales...
    Tom the hand from Saskatchewan says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

    Ben from British Columbia couldn't stand to be bested . . .
    "That's nothing; I was walking down the trail yesterday
    and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a
    rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

    Old Bob, the cowboy from Alberta remained silent,,, while slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.....
     
  11. marioz

    marioz Formula 3

    Nov 21, 2003
    2,007
    Cedar Mills,Ontario
    Full Name:
    Mario
    #63 marioz, Mar 5, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read:

    Dear God,

    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

    Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

    Sincerely, Edna

    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read:

    Dear God,

    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

    Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    By the way, there was $4 missing.

    I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

    Sincerely, Edna
    Image Unavailable, Please Login
     
  12. Bones2U

    Bones2U Formula Junior

    Jul 13, 2008
    814
    Ontario
    :)

     
  13. Bones2U

    Bones2U Formula Junior

    Jul 13, 2008
    814
    Ontario
    There is a Blonde and a Brunette sitting at a local bar one night. In walks this cute younger man with a little bit of Dandruff on his shoulders. The Brunette says to the Blonde - "Man that guy needs Head & Shoulders"! The Blonde turns to the Brunette and says - "How do you give Shoulders?"....
     
  14. MS250

    MS250 Two Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 10, 2003
    26,123
    Full Name:
    Avvocato
    ROLMAO !!!! Never heard that one.

    The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese !
     
  15. Tifosi2011

    Tifosi2011 Formula Junior

    Apr 3, 2011
    307
    Burnaby, BC Canada
    Full Name:
    John
    "I see" said the blind man...to the deaf man.
     
  16. wrs46

    wrs46 Formula 3

    May 19, 2005
    1,395
    QC, CANADA (&CH, &F)
    Full Name:
    Walter
    #69 wrs46, Mar 30, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  17. marioz

    marioz Formula 3

    Nov 21, 2003
    2,007
    Cedar Mills,Ontario
    Full Name:
    Mario
    Next year
     
  18. Fave

    Fave F1 Rookie

    Aug 12, 2010
    4,157
    Tarana
    Full Name:
    L. Ike Hunt
    #71 Fave, May 1, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  19. Fave

    Fave F1 Rookie

    Aug 12, 2010
    4,157
    Tarana
    Full Name:
    L. Ike Hunt
    #72 Fave, May 1, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  20. djempire

    djempire Formula Junior

    Apr 30, 2012
    613
    Toronto
    Full Name:
    Serf
  21. MS250

    MS250 Two Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 10, 2003
    26,123
    Full Name:
    Avvocato
    - enjoy!!


    Lesson 1 :

    A priest offered a Nun a lift.

    She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

    The priest nearly had an accident.

    After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 2 :

    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

    They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

    'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 3

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

    A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    Lesson 4
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

    The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

    Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    Bull Sh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

    Lesson 5

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.

    (3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
     

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