25 Great Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson (Top Gear)

25. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

 

Brilliant. I love Clarkson.

 

To quote Clarkson,"It's absolutely brilliant!"

 

Its just EPIC!

 

I remember that one!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was when he was testing the 360 CS.

 

I am a big fan of:

"Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill [Ralph Nader/Al Gore in the US] and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world."

 

The writers for Top Gear are simply the funniest, most brilliant automotive writers since Tom McCahill. If you don't know who Tom McCahill is, you'll have to drop everything this moment and Google him and his work from Popular Mechanix.

I generally watch each Top Gear episode two or three times. Their honesty, sense of humor and trick driving are the reasons that Top Gear US has never made it into production -- we simply can't do it here without the FCC and advertisers going ape-s--t.

 

My favorite was when he was talking about the Chrysler Crossfire..."It feels exactly like what it is....50,000 parts supplied by the lowest bidder."

 

lol @ 14

 

On some Pepto Bismol pink Nissan crap micro car: "It looks just like a scrotum!"

To a rock star "reasonably priced car" guest driver: "What do you drive now"?
Rock star: "I just have a bike."
JC: "Really. What do you ride"?
Rock star: "A Moto Guzzi."
JC: "I didn't know you were homosexual."

 

+1 to both paragraphs!

 

That is awesome. I am so glad you posted those quotes. I needed a laugh.

 

On the BMW 645 conv't:

I fear today’s observers are too close to the action. They are afraid to criticise drivers because, as we keep being told, they all sleep in the same hotel and give one another lifts to the circuit in a morning. They also know that if they criticise the sport itself their beloved passes will be taken away. Fine. Commentate from home. But give me the dirt. Give me a bad guy. Give me someone to hate. And you can start with Ralf Schumacher.

...You can’t have a Porsche with no roof because you’ll look like a homosexual,

On the Audi S4 Cabriolet:

Educating your children in the olden days used to be so much easier. You packed them off to whichever boarding school was furthest from where you lived, with some simple advice: “See you in five years, son, and try not to get sodomised too much.”

. Public schools back then had to prepare boys for a life that would see them squatting in a muddy trench being shot at, or dying of diphtheria in some far-flung corner of the empire. So the school had to be as uncomfortable and as sadistic as was technically possible. There needed to be 10-mile runs through minefields and executions for those caught, as John Cleese put it, “rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant”.

You may have read a short story by Roald Dahl called Galloping Foxley. It chronicled Dahl’s time at school: the bullying, the sub-zero humiliation and the terror. Well, I was in the same house at the same establishment 50 years later, and I endured much the same sort of thing.

I was flung into unheated plunge pools in the middle of February and used as a goalpost in games of bicycle hockey. Younger boys were made to do all the cleaning and those who failed to do it properly were beaten with whips, strangled, stabbed, sodomised and drowned. Once I forgot to empty the bins and was eaten.

Then, as a real preparation for the astonishing unfairness of life, when I reached the sixth form and was licking my chops at the promise of being able to kill and eat a young Canadian boy for having an annoying whiney accent, ***ging, bullying and murder were banned.

On the 599:

I loathe the way they’ve shoehorned this Formula One trinketry into such an elegant space nearly as much as I loathe the way that under the bonnet they’ve fitted a sort of Formula One nose cone over the radiators. This implies that customers will raise the bonnet to show the engine off to friends. And that’s like taking your penis out at a party. It’s a terrible thing to do.

 

"I'm being eaten by dogs and I'm pregnant and all on my own"!.....falsetto screaming into cell phone to UK equivalent of 911 during the motorized fox hunt.

 

I challenge anyone (and I mean anyone) to watch any single episode of Top Gear without laughing.

Even my 66-year-old mother watches it with my father and belly-laughs, and she goes out of her way to avoid car-related materials.

I love the cheap Alfas one, as well as the $10K supercars (with the GT4, Urracco and Merak) segment...but my all-time favs were the British Leyland and Cross-African Desert challenges. I swear I cracked one or two ribs watching those two!

I think the only time I didn't laugh during a Top Gear segment was while watching Hammond's 280-mph crash. That was scary as hell.

 

Fell off my chair laughing, just can't decide which I like best!

 

"I'd rather blowtorch my nipples off." -- I think this was on going to an annual VW gathering (?)

 

On the Caddy CTS-V:
"It's like a Steven Segal movie. Sure there are explosions and people getting kicked in the face, but it lacks the depth and character of a Die Hard or Terminator."

That was the first episode I ever watched. Completely addicted now.

 

I have always admired his point of view. I like the post by Zygomatic!!

 

On the Vauxhall VXR8 (Pontiac G8/GXP):

"It obviously came from a country that hadn't signed up for the Kyoto Treaty"
"Honestly, I'm surprised you don't pour beer on it when you want to shut it off"
"It's as dainty as a hobb-nail boot, as feminine as a burst sausage and I've got to say I love it"

The vid is full of one liners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TB-qxAqNnsY&feature=related

--Mike

 

On The Stig:

"Some say....his scrotum has its own tiny gravity field."

 

From the LP640 review, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20E5YkwTY54:

"It's got air conditioning--which, unlike the air conditioning systems in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [cough, cough]"

(complaining about Audi forcing civilization on Lambo)

"The only reason we ever liked Lamborghinis is because they were silly. Taking that away is like taking sunshine away from a summer holiday. You're left with--nothing."

But upon driving it--"simply staggering!" "properly, savagely fast."

"Now you might expect that this sort of power doesn't come cheap, and there is evidence to support that, if you look at the options list."

 

He's the greatest.

 

I used to buy the Sunday (London) Times, just for the Clarkson reviews. (When a local newsstand imported it.)

You'd get through six column-inches before he'd even mention the car he was reviewing.


Although Richard Hammond had his moments on "Brainiac", too. (Thermite vs Car)