The Black Bra The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went: My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said "What's for dinner, Batman?"
BANK CRISIS If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank! And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers
I had to ring the bank the other day. They returned a cheque marked "insufficient funds". I needed to know if that referred to me or to them.
Transation Democrat= left wing socialist. Republican = Right wing. Redneck = Redneck. Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? .................................................. ......... THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN: Democrat's Answer : Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. .. .................................................. ........... Republican's Answer: BANG! ................................................... ................................................... ......... Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG ! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?! ' Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist __________________
The aliens and the petrol pump Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!' The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed until he finally regained consciousness. Refocusing his three eyes, he straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and stick it in his ear.'
Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, 'You know I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.' Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.' Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.'
Nothing as long as, You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You own a homemade fur coat. You burn your yard rather than mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Birds are attracted to your beard. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book. J.A. G
Thanks, it's a long list here are a few more. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You think a chain saw is a musical instrument. You've ever given rat traps as gifts. You clean your fingernails with a stick. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your considered an expert on wormbeds. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You pick your teeth from a catalog. You've ever financed a tattoo. You've ever stolen toilet paper. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture. People hear your car a long time before they see it. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
This one is always a good one! 'Hello, is this the police?' 'Yes it is. How can we help you?' 'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!' 'Thank you very much for the call.' The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no coc aine. They swear at Wazza and leave. The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop up your firewood?' 'Yep.' 'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
A mate emailed me this with pics....... 'This shop in Mexico was tired of thugs breaking into his shop so he came up with this idea' Image Unavailable, Please Login Image Unavailable, Please Login
interesting...............didnt know that Slash was the doyen of the motoring industry http://ninemsn.carpoint.com.au/used-car/HONDA/NSX/South%20Australia/csn7093175.aspx
yeah but not the best sales pitch where if anyone saw what that car has been through they might think twice
