What to do with my 14-year old daughter when I have her for the weekend......? | Page 2 | FerrariChat

What to do with my 14-year old daughter when I have her for the weekend......?

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by kizdan, Feb 18, 2009.

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  1. dm_n_stuff

    dm_n_stuff Four Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Try observing for a weekend next time. Get yourself a book, or a couple movies to rent. Read the book. Pop some popcorn, BIG BOWL, it may lure her over to the bowl, while yo uwatch a movie. Don't friggin' rent something that only you would like.

    BUT, don't schedule anything.

    Let her do her regular stuff, like you're a REGULAR parent.

    Don't put pressure on you, or her, or the relationship by trying to make your visit SPECIAL.

    Make it regular.

    Why do you have to DO anything other than be in relative proximity and make yourself available should she want to do something with you. Imagine you were there all the time. Would you be even asking this question? Nope, you'd be hanging around the house, having Friday dinner with her (maybe) waking her scraggly teenage ass up on Saturday at noon, and maybe getting her to hang with you Sunday to watch some TV.

    I know, you miss her when you're gone, and she probably misses you too, but she sure as hell isn't going to admit it.

    Don't ask her, "What do you want to do now?" She's a teenager, she doesn't know. If you offer a trip somewhere and she declines, it's because she's growing out of the behaviors she found fun at 11. Not a shock really. Now she has friends she hangs with on weekends, if you're lucky, maybe you can get her friends to hang at your house.

    Just relax and go with the flow. Let her grow up, do her own thing. She'll eventually get you re-involved on a more active level.

    Oh, I have 4 kids, and more than a little experience with 14 year old kids. My youngest is now 20.
     
  2. buckminster

    buckminster Formula Junior

    Aug 18, 2005
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    On the water, SWFL
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    Nicholas Raftis
    #27 buckminster, Feb 18, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2009
    I caught my kid at 15 going to a all-nite rave and his punishment was that next time he went he had to take me! That became a turning point in our relationship. I became interested in what he was into and then we had a common experience to share. Shop with her at the mall, watch MTV or go on myspace or whatever else they do together, you might learn something new as a byproduct.

    He is 27 now and this is what he emailed me yesterday:

    I love you so much, thank you for being such a wonderful father and friend. I couldn't imagine life without you.

    <3 LOVE <3

    Son ^ - ^
     
  3. LambogatiINC

    LambogatiINC Formula 3

    Aug 14, 2004
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    Sal
    What if you guys took a trip? Even bring your parents if you want and head out to say Ottawa (about 1.5ish hours away) or come down to Toronto (about 4 - 5 hours)

    It doesn't have to be this weekend necessarily, but any..

    It's a lot to plan, but if your seeing each other in time intervals like that, atleast for one weekend it could be a good experience!
     
  4. Dom

    Dom F1 Veteran
    Owner Rossa Subscribed

    Nov 5, 2002
    8,475
    Is there someplace nearby where you can take her Karting? I imagine she would find it lots of fun. I know around here there are a couple of indoor karting places, where you can just show up and race, as well as outdoor places.

    Dom
     
  5. Seamaster007

    Seamaster007 Karting

    Jan 13, 2009
    140
    From my experience, see Twilight. Go to the theatre with one bullet, if that crap makes you want to go hari-kari.
     
  6. CAS

    CAS F1 Rookie

    Nov 6, 2003
    2,683
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    Clint
    She is growing up. The next 6 years will be tough, then she will slowly but surely 'come back to you'. Don't give her too much rope, but it's probably one of those times where it's best to step back a little and let her grow up. I might suggest taking some 'cool' trips (3 day weekend type stuff) to fun places like the beach or somewhere exotic. Doesn't have to be the most extravagant thing, but letting her know you care and sharing some experiences together.

    She will look up to you for it and it's those types of things she remembers.
     
  7. PeterS

    PeterS Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Jan 24, 2003
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    Another thing I do is to show interest in things that Chelsea has interest in or is good at. A couple times a week, I'll pop in her room and say 'lets play XBOX'. Though she'll spend half the time teaching me how to use the controller, we have fun. Coupled with the fact that she beats me at every game we play, that makes it more fun! I'll skate board with her too., as she likes to see 'the old fart' fall a lot!

    If you have not made time to do the above, I'd suggest doing it, as you will probably be surprised!
     
  8. rdefabri

    rdefabri Three Time F1 World Champ

    Jun 4, 2008
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    That just brought tears to my eyes...I can only hope my children say the same to me. Great advice!
     
  9. PeterS

    PeterS Four Time F1 World Champ
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    Hey Lawnmower............Why pop your son for texting? It's how kids communicate. Show just about any kid a picture of a land-line telephone and maybe 50% will be able to guess what it is!
     
  10. DrStranglove

    DrStranglove FChat Assassin
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    Oct 31, 2003
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    #35 DrStranglove, Feb 19, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
    Ok, you get the card below for that one!!!

    As for the OP, I had the same problem with my god daughter when her parents were going through a divorce. If you have decent no rain weather, I found the best thing to do was take here horse back riding!!! For girls that worked like a charm, esp if it is not something they do. You do it together with a guide or two, it can take all afternoon, and no cells really work on a horse unless you are a pro!

    My other trick would be to buy a cell phone jammer to keep in your pocket. About $150 gets you a lot of peace!!
    Image Unavailable, Please Login
     
  11. Adrift

    Adrift Formula Junior

    Aug 30, 2004
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    #36 Adrift, Feb 19, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2009
    My kids are all pre-teen, but so far my kids are the best I know, so I will assume my judgement is reasonable. I know teens are different critters, but they are still humans.

    I would NOT back off on time spent with her (it would kill me to only see my kid for two days every three weeks), and I would not let her push you away. Sure it is great to do things they are interested in, but I would confront her with the fact she is being ugly and disrespectful, and quite hurtful. She may resent you at first, but at some point she will respect you and appreciate the time and attention you are paying to her. Things you say may seem to bounce off now, but they have an odd way of actually sinking in when the kid is trying to make you think they are ignoring you. They really are listening, even if it takes a while for them to admit it.

    I don't believe in letting a kid make the universe revolve around them; it only feeds ill manners and a sense of entitlement, neither of which makes them happy in any way, shape, or form. Don't buy into the "it is unavoidable teenage behavior" excuse. Sure, allow them to grow, socialize, and express more independence, but keep them accountable for good manners and being a decent human being. Texting constantly when others are around is plain rude...period. It is like tolerating fits from a 3 year old. IMO, what teenagers need most is perspective (to prevent becoming too self-absorbed), and doing whatever it takes to make her like you is not going to accomplish that, but feed being self-absorbed.

    It would be easy to disconnect at this point and blame it on her, but you would be abandoning her in a period in life when she needs you most.

    My wife is in child care, and what I have seen is that every time there is a "bad" kid, there is a lazy or indulgent parent that raise their kids poorly due to lack of effort on their part. Part of parenting and loving is BEING the adult and imposing the rules which help them understand the right way to act. Be the adult. Don't bail on her. She wants you there whether she admits it or not (even to herself).
     
  12. kizdan

    kizdan F1 Veteran

    Dec 31, 2003
    5,505
    There's been a lot of good responses from you guys - thanks for the input. I particularly liked the posts from those who were the kids themselves in a similar situation - I haven't really heard that side before. I also ordered that book recommended by Tundrafile - it should arrive early next week. I like the idea of perhaps inviting one of her friends to come and hang out with her...........I will suggest that when we talk this weekend.

    Just to clarify.....my daughter has never asked for me to not visit with her as often as I do. I spoke to her mom about it, and she is the one who said that my daughter has mentioned it. My daughter never came out and said that she didn't want to spend time with me, or made any concrete comments to that effect. My daughter is very conscientious about my feelings. The only reason why I inquired with her mom is because my daughter seemed bored, and didn't want to do anything except just hang out and watch TV, or play around on the computer, which may be an okay thing to do, as some of you suggest.

    She does text her friends throughout the day, but that is just in place of talking on the phone. I can't really say whether it's an abnormal amount or not. I know I used to talk on the phone a heck of a lot more at that age than I do now, so it is probably reasonable considering her age. She's a good girl just entering teenage-hood. I am just trying to find a way to cope with it in our circumstances.
     
  13. TexasF355F1

    TexasF355F1 Six Time F1 World Champ
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    I think I'm still confused. So you're daughters mom told you she didn't really want to visit with you? Or that was just what you were thinking?

    Regardless, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds very tough to deal with. Hope for the best.
     
  14. parkerfe

    parkerfe F1 World Champ

    Sep 4, 2001
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    #39 parkerfe, Feb 19, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2009
    Both of you sign up for a PADI Open Water Diver certification course. My 11, 13 and 14 year old daughters are now all certified and the time we spent together then as well as diving together now is priceless...www.padi.com ... or, since you like MotoGP, take a MSF course together...I had my three daughters do that as well. and we now share both the lifetime passion of motorcycles and diving... www.msf-usa.org
     
  15. kizdan

    kizdan F1 Veteran

    Dec 31, 2003
    5,505
    I found that my daughter seems bored when I visit as of late, and doesn't want to do anything other than hang out at my parent's house. I asked her mom if she had mentioned anything about my visits, and that's when she said that she felt she was missing out on being with her friends, and that sometimes she would rather be with her friends.
     
  16. Sareve

    Sareve F1 Rookie

    Oct 23, 2007
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    Maybe you should try to pick up an interesting hobby with her. You could try wakeboarding if you live near a lake or the sea. You could also try to get her into cars :p

    I have to agree with some of the other posters that texting endlessly while around others is plain rude and irritating, you should let her know that. It may not endear you to her, and she might hate you for it now, but she will understand and love you for it when she's 20. I think it should be less about what you can do for her to make her like you more but more about what you can do to make sure she grows up to be a good girl.

    Btw, since she texts so much, why don't you text her regularly when you're away from her?
     
  17. AustinMartin

    AustinMartin F1 Veteran

    Mar 1, 2008
    5,445
    Los Angeles/Idaho
    No, what ever you do DON'T do that! When I was a teenager, nothing upset me more than people telling me to stop texting or calling me rude for doing so. It was how I communicated.
     
  18. ND Flack

    ND Flack Formula 3

    Sep 18, 2007
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    Just make sure you're not typing away on your blackberry when you say that!
     
  19. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    Dan,

    This is going to be a hard answer, but from my experience.....

    Both my kids grew distant at this age, they naturally want to socialize with their age group.

    For us, I just threw the whole visitation schedule out the window, then you let THEM re-establish it........they are growing fast.....trust them....you are only a phone call away and the magic of this is it let's THEM have a little control, that's the key.....

    Then as they find things YOU can help them with the phone calls occur.

    It's hard, but cheer up they REALLY come back around, to learn to drive and have you buy them a car! So the suggestion of teaching them to drive makes you a "cool Dad"..that's a good one..

    The other thing is to join MySpace and talk with them there, gives you a real good idea who they hang out with....yep, it's painful to read! LOL!
     
  20. Sareve

    Sareve F1 Rookie

    Oct 23, 2007
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    I was still a teenager 3 years ago and I simply couldn't stand it when people continually texted while going out with me! It's just bad manners! Maybe it's just cause I'm not really a phone person though, I think people are just too easily contactable these days.
     
  21. Far Out

    Far Out F1 Veteran

    Feb 18, 2007
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    +1, but I think it's not being easily contactable. IMHO it's plain rude to text or phone while talking to somebody unless it's something really important. I recently watched DVD with a friend of mine at her home, she got a call from her best friend and they talked for half an hour while I was sitting on the couch waiting for her. As said - simply rude.
     
  22. TexasF355F1

    TexasF355F1 Six Time F1 World Champ
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    I can remember being that way to a degree. I never wanted to miss out on anything. However, it's a lot different in a divorce situation. Even tougher on you. Suggesting her to bring 1 or 2 friends is probably a good idea. Then you may have a better understanding of her and an idea of the type of people she likes to be around.

    It's hard to get her to understand that you won't be around forever, and all you want is to spend time with her.

    I agree with all that find it rude. I hate it.

    It bothers me a great deal to constantly see a family sitting at a meal with their kids listening to their ipods or playing DS. Even worse when it's just one kid and one parent and absolutely no dialogue going on and the parent looking like whatever. The worst was seeing kids pull out their DS' in church. That pissed me off a lot. Almost as bad as the bratty kid yelling at the top of their lungs and the parents turning a blind eye.
     
  23. AustinMartin

    AustinMartin F1 Veteran

    Mar 1, 2008
    5,445
    Los Angeles/Idaho
    Same here, but when someone would come up and tell me to stop, and I was just sitting doing nothing, it upset me. Hate it when people text non stop when I'm out with them.
     
  24. kizdan

    kizdan F1 Veteran

    Dec 31, 2003
    5,505
  25. turbotrip

    turbotrip Karting

    Sep 9, 2006
    180
    Calgary
    at this age her friends come before you. this means that in order for her to have a good time she needs her friends there too, so just tell her to invite a few of her friends over and you pay for whatever they want to do, or take her and her friends out to the movie together, etc.
     

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