Is it April 1st? http://www.news.com.au/technology/uber-targets-australian-cities-sydney-and-melbourne-for-its-elevate-flying-car-service/news-story/2ff9af814b5f5e8e5be52d30a13a3f76
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Lol http://www.skynews.com.au/news/politics/federal/2017/08/25/barnaby-joyce-nominated-for-kiwi-of-the-year.html
Something we take for granted, is something unique in China. We could clean up over there. Kung Fu Komedy: How Melbourne's Andy Curtain opened the only comedy club in mainland China http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-08-26/china-only-stand-up-club-kung-fu-comedy-melbourne-andy-curtain/8830372
It was coming to the end of the day, and sitting in his tiny near-deserted local pub in Mt Isa was an Aboriginal called Cactus. He was having a few beers as usual when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards Cactus and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?" Cactus leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the **** out of him. He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar. Not entirely amazed at what just happened, the barman quickly brought over another beer to Cactus and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before. What did he say to you?" "I don't know," Cactus replied. "Something about a job."
Is this about Pap ? He could be either of the people in the story What do you think of Dan's progress this year ?
1. Of course 2. AKA Cactus PAP 3. Not bad for a kid that was Captain of Selby's treasure hunt team, some years back As you know, I have always been impressed by his skill - he so often demonstrates that with his expertise in passing others. Unlike a few I could mention that can only seem to achieve a pass by knocking off a wing, wheel or some other bit of kit.
F1 is essentially a euro-centric sport, all involved are biased towards european drivers and the competencies of assorted colonials (Americans, Canadians & Aussies) are discounted. Dan is obviously better skilled at finishing races than Max (as he was better than Vettel) but I haven't heard any such comment pass the lips of the commentariat.
I think it's his passing ability that is SERIOUSLY overlooked by the eurotrash commentators , lip service is given by the English Sky team but they keep on banging on about some **** with low brow tatts and crap haircuts. I seem to remember Dan flogging Hamilton's time on Top Gear as well. He's the living proof that a nice can finish first, he is such a breath of fresh air in a sport that is full of wankers and rich daddy's boys
Apologies if posted previously: Moments before the Battle of Trafalgar. Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy." Hardy: "Aye, aye sir.." Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?" Hardy: "Sorry sir?" Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?" Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments." Nelson: "In that case, break open the Bundy ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle." Hardy: "The Bundy rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!" Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. “Give me a report from the crow's nest please." Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir." Nelson: "What?" Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There’s no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected." Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral." Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency." Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." Hardy: "The men be bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!" Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not." Nelson: "We're not?" Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation." Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity equality re-training course" Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King." Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life" Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment." Nelson: "What about sodomy?" Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir." Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."
Police Inspector: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife. Inspector: Then why are you reporting it now? Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!
Berlin to Melbourne Friday .. An Australian businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead gorgeous, flight attendant: Businessman: “What is your name?” Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir” Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?” Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close” Businessman: “Really, how close?” Flight Attendant: “Same price Sir".
